This time last year…

I was counting down the days until my girls started school.

I was planning all the things that I would do with my new found “Free time”.

I was actually excited to go to the school and register them for Kindergarten.

I followed these signs around their new school to find the place where I was going to sign my girls away to some “stranger” for 10 months out of the next year.

I was walking the halls of their new school, in awe that they were soon going to be students there.

It suddenly hit me….. “Oh $h!t… They were going to be Kindergarteners.”

I didn’t know that their teacher was going to be someone my girls really looked up to, and a great friend to me.

Seriously. I had no idea what I was in for at this time last year.

*** This post was originally written in March of 2011. It’s been sitting in my drafts as I decided just how personal to get… I’m publishing it only because I’m sure there are others who feel similarly. I’d love to discuss with anyone… and now… on with the post…

If the title of this post is making you think that you may hate me after reading it… then don’t. I highly suggest closing your browser and checking out the cool reviews on Mommy Brain Reports… and coming back in another month or so… this is a long one.. You have been warned…

I remember that song from REM way back in the day… Sometime the words can be so fitting for how I feel in life. Is this a call out for help? Not so much, and a way to get some questions I have out in the open, and invite true and logical answers… I’m not looking for anyone to criticize me, or my thoughts.. altho I’m sure that will happen.. Go ahead.. Leave your thoughts in the comments…

So, my deal is this… Why am I still Catholic? Why am I not Lutheran, or Baptist, or Whatever? Why must I go to a certain building to worship God. Why is the Catholic Church, the Church I grew up in, and believed everything that was put in front of me… so … hard to leave?

Let’s start there. I’ll start with what I know. I was baptized Catholic when I was a little baby. I wasn’t given the choice, it was made for me. No biggie. I grew up and went to Catholic school, learned the Catholic prayers, and read Catholic scripture… I went to church every week, without question. I got married in the Catholic church, and baptized my babies Catholic… only for the cycle to start all over again. Sorta.. Is my hubby Catholic? No. He’s Lutheran… but it’s close enough… LOL. Maybe if I would’ve married a Catholic guy I wouldn’t have these issues… but I didn’t fall in love with his religion, I fell in love with him… so pttthhht.

So, anyway. Back to Catholic stuff. Like I said, I was born into a Catholic family, and thus baptized and raised Catholic. Sure. I still go to Catholic Mass once in a while, but I don’t feel at home there. I have the prayers and songs more than memorized, but it’s like I’m reciting something… lines from a play or something. I’m just not feeling it anymore. I guess the question is.. Did I really ever? Seriously?

Ok.. moving on… Buildings.. Why is it that when you go to church, there is so much shiny stuff decorating the place? Why do people think that the shinier and more golden the place is, the better it is for the people? Um, No. That money we donate to the Church.. Sure I guess you use it to pay your bills, but why waste it on such elaborate decorations. Did anyone see Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom??? The Holy Grail was NOT the one adorned in jewels, but the cup of a carpenter..

Moving on… Why do I believe what I believe, and why am I so scared to leave my religion? I believe what I believe because it’s all that I know. I’ve only ever experienced a different church a handful of times, and each time it was “weird” for me. Not in a bad way.. just that it was different than what I was used to. The Stand up, sit down, readings, stand up, sit down, kneel, prayers, sit down, stand up, over, etc of the Catholic Mass makes any other service seem strange to me. Don’t tell me that things that are out of the norm are not strange to you. If the prayers and songs are different, than I’m totally out of my element. I’m grateful that hubby’s Lutheran church is very similar, and I don’t feel weird when I go there. Something else I noticed… I went to both the Lutheran church and the Catholic church… and had two extremely different experiences. We went to the Catholic church and everyone pretty much kept to themselves. No eye contact, no smiles, not a Hello or Welcome… We even went to the meet & greet afterwards and were completely ignored. People kept to their own groups, and it was just… well.. snobbish.. but we’ve continued to go there because the girls like their little class they get to go to during the first part of mass. We went to the Lutheran church and we couldn’t go a few steps without people saying Hi, and shaking hands, and commenting on the girls, and… well.. Welcoming us… Why haven’t we gone back more often? I don’t know.

The girls are getting to the age where they are asking a lot of questions about God, and Jesus, and religion. We take them to church whenever they ask to go, but, in all honesty, I feel like they’d get more out of a bible and me and daddy explaining things to them than they would sitting in a chair in a church for an hour. I don’t know.. I hate that I feel this way.. that I don’t feel at home in my own church.. I would love to find a place that I wanted to go to.. every Sunday, but I haven’t yet. Would I leave the Catholic Church? I don’t know. My girls are baptized Catholic, (yes the cycle has already started again) and I want them to learn more about it… but I’m not sure if I should remain there, or let them explore various churches and religions… Would it confuse the hell out of them? I don’t know. After all, aren’t we all Christian, and believe in the same God???

OK.. I think I’m done venting. For now. Please don’t judge. Please don’t hate me… I’m struggling… I love God, and I love that I have Faith… I just need to find a place I’m comfortable with… Thanks for listening.

1. I WILL continue my TaeKwonDo & Kisado classes. They’re fun, and I can kick ass if I need to.

2. I WILL continue to opt for natural foods rather than processed foods. Who needs extra junk in the trunk anyway?

3. I WILL NOT eat fast food, no matter how easy, quick, or yummy a Sonic Slushie sounds… especially during Happy Hour..

4. I WILL use the treadmill I made my hubby buy me. Adding it to my fitness routine will *Help* me, not hurt me.

5. I WILL work my butt off… literally..

6. I WILL also work off other parts of my body, my tummy, my thighs, my love handles… because I need to.

7. I WIL NOT give in to late night snacking. A glass of water is my new best friend.

8. I WILL drink at least the recommended daily suggestion of water… more if I’m near a bathroom

9. I WILL train for, and run a 5K sometime in 2011. After all… I should be able to do it.. right???

10. I WILL NOT EVER buy clothing that is too large, or baggy, just for the sole purpose of “hiding my rolls”….  They make me look fatter…

11. I WILL buy clothing that fits well, is the proper size, and makes ME look awesome.

These things I swear to myself for 2011… If you agree.. Let me hear a “Hell Yeah!”

Got other vows for yourself… I’d love to hear them too!

UPDATE: So I went shopping today, and I bought clothing… in regular sizes… Yes, I shopped at my local Old Navy, and bought jeans… I didn’t have to buy online (since that’s where their plus sizes are). WOOT! These vows are so going to stick

I was talking to my mom tonight, and she asked me about my size, weight, exercise, etc. We talked about how I was an emotional eater. Whenever I got on a scale, saw a photo of myself, went clothes shopping, or just looked in the mirror, I’d get upset/depressed… and I’d immediately try to console myself with sweets. Don’t tell me you don’t sometimes reach for that carton of ice cream or chocolate when you get really upset over something… She asked me why… Well.. I have no idea. Food was comfort, yet foot made me unhealthy… read: fat… Yes.. I was overweight… according to my Wii… I was obese.. I admit it… I was not very healthy…

In April, I started TaeKwonDo… In September, I started Kisado… In October… I finally actually noticed a difference.

It’s always hard to notice a difference in yourself. You see yourself every day.. and when I got it in my head that I was big… well.. I always feel that way.

Monday, after Kisado, my instructor and I were talking about my weight loss. I showed him a photo of me that was taken by the local newspaper not long after I moved to NC. I also showed him a photo that I took that morning just after I took the girls to school. I actually put a side by side of me on my 30th birthday, and me that morning. Wow.

I wasn’t going to use this photo but figured.. eff it… It’s me.. without makeup… just before I left for Kisado.. I was about to get sweaty…

Can you see it??? Can you see the difference? My cheeks are skinnier, and my double (almost 3x) chin is almost gone!

HOLY CRAP! I’m finally losing size! Notice I didn’t say I’m losing weight… Another thing that I think really makes me proud is that I’m doing this on my own. I don’t have a personal trainer, I haven’t used any special diets, no nutrisystem, weight watchers, or whatever else is out there. I don’t take weight loss pills… This is 100% all me baby… We ditched the bad junk food, and opted for healthier alternatives like whole grains, fruit & veggies, and fish. We made a change to our lifestyle… incorporating exercise into our routine is a huge part of that lifestyle change.

You see that Kisado ad on the right over there… Yeah.. that’ll be me in another year.. HA! LOL! what? I’m serious.. ok, maybe not quite like that but… I wanna be close…

Mr. Ashton also asked me how much I weigh now.. Hell, I have no idea. I haven’t touched a scale in so long. I refuse. Why? I’m scared to. Yeah.. it’s a dumb psychological thing with me… but every time I’ve ever stepped on a scale, I got depressed. Sure.. I can tell I’m losing weight.. but I don’t know if I’m ready just yet. I’m afraid I might get disappointed that the numbers won’t reflect how I want them to.  I know muscle weighs more than fat. I know that I’m seriously building muscle on my body right now, and that is going to help my body burn fat faster. I get it! I just don’t know if I want to see the numbers just yet. Right now, seeing my clothes get bigger and me get smaller works for me.

I know I need to know how much I weigh… I may or may not go out and finally buy a scale. I have my annual doctor appointment in November… and I may just wait until then… Not sure yet.

Until then… I will keep up my TaeKwonDo.. I will keep up my Kisado, and I will keep eating healthy foods. I feel so much better, and I love the changes that are happening within me. I’m looking forward to seeing where I am just a few months from now. I can just picture myself in a year, fitting in my old Lucky Brand Jeans that I loved so darn much… before I stopped taking care of myself. So.. I leave you with a photo I took of myself with a pair of my size 20 capri pants on that used to fit me…. snugly…

WOOT!

Did I say “Broken”? Yes.. Yes I did…

Today was a long day for me… We got up early, took the girls to Tiger Cub Class, went shopping for all of our Memorial Day BBQ needs, and made it home with enough time to quickly invite our neighbors over and run inside to change, fill up a water bottle, and attempt to put my hair up, then get back on the road… this time to Tiger Rock TaeKwonDo Academy….

Today was a board breaking clinic… I really hadn’t prepared for this… but I was told that I should go… and so I did. LOL. I started TaeKwonDo just a couple of months ago, and have been steadily getting my confidence back, and my techniques in check… I have a lot of work to go, and of course, my loss of being able to remember anything just about makes memorizing all of the forms a super long process, but I’m getting it… slowly. I knew that it was going to take time… I’m ready for that…

Now, back to the board breaking… The last time I broke boards was back in 1996… Senior year in High School.. .Yes… I’m admitting my age here. I remember breaking for my testing to 2nd degree black belt. I had to break 2 boards.. one with a hand technique and one with my foot. Don’t ask which techniques I broke with.. because I’m not sure I can remember that far back…  The other day, I was online, and I saw a facebook post from my Instructor come across my tweetdeck, mentioning this board breaking clinic. I had planned on doing a yard sale this weekend, so I replied with ‘Oh sure, do a clinic on my yard sale day!’ After a little conversation, I found out that the clinic went at 3pm, so I’d be able to attend anyway. At first, I was super excited, and then he told me that I had to break 2 boards… at one time… Yeah.. I never had to do that when I was younger… All I could think was that I’m not as in shape, I’m not as in practice, and I’m so going to break or really hurt something… I was psyching myself out… Go figure…

Well, the week went by, and here came Saturday. We got the girls to class, did some shopping and I made it back for the clinic. I got there, and alllllll these kids were there. I felt old… really out of place… Then I thought.. I was in their place before. It was kinda neat… and a little scary. We got in there, started warming up, and then practiced our techniques on some focus pads. After a few minutes, we were able to decide which techniques we wanted to use for our breaks and we were given our boards…  I got to help out holding boards for some of the younger students. It was really neat to see the smiles on their faces when they broke their boards. One of the students really reminded me of me when I was younger. She had a hard time with one of the board breaks. It really got to her too. I felt horrible for her when she started crying because she hadn’t broken the board… I just wanted to give her a huge hug….. Heck I got teary eyed right along with her… I don’t know if it was because I’m a mom, and now I hate seeing kids crying, or if it’s because I remembered how much it hurt me when I didn’t break my boards for my first black belt testing years ago… I’m sure it had to be a combination of the two… along with the fact that I was scared to even try today. She did finally break her front kick board… which was great, but I know that it was already in her mind that she was really discouraged. Naturally… it was my turn next…

I decided I was going to do an elbow strike and a side kick… I figured they were my strongest techniques at this point, and I really did not want to not break the boards. I set up my boards, and away I went. I started with my elbow… Amazingly… I smashed right through it. I went for the side kick. I smashed that one too. I could not believe I did it…. I grabbed my boards and could not stop smiling.. Actually… I couldn’t stop shaking either. I was so ramped up on adrenaline it was kinda crazy.  But I did it… I did something that I didn’t think I could. It was just one more step in my TaeKwonDo .. ummm.. career.. I guess I could say. Sure.. I just started, but I guess it’s kinda a career. Anyhow… It was fun, I made it… I showed that wood who is boss… Oh.. and that photo over there… those are the boards I broke…. Two boards at once.. equaling 2″… Left boards were my side kick and Right boards were my elbow… Yaay!

Oh! I was just sent a video from another student that was there with her son… who was in the clinic with me… She  got my board break on her iPhone… Now you can see me smashing the boards LOL… Click the link below and it should open up for you! if not, let me know and I’ll try a different way…

Moni’s Board Breaking Clinic

Soooo.. I have sorta been keeping track of my sizes… Not religiously, but doing well enough to notice when I’m losing weight. Guess what… ??? ….
My brand new (last year) shorts that I bought to fit my fat butt… size 20… Yeah.. they’re falling off my hips. Someone could walk up behind me and pants me if they wanted to, and I would barely feel it… I have to wear a belt… although I’m still debating selling them and buying a new pair. I really didn’t want to buy any new clothes until I’m in regular sizes… but c’mon.. from a 22 pants size to an 18??? I think that deserves a minor celebration… Raise a glass (of water) with me!!! Cheers!!!!

I have a long way to go… hopefully between Taekwondo and exercise here at home, I’ll get there faster… Time… It takes time… All I have is time…

Just this week, Mommy Brain Reports has been awarded the honor of being a part of Walmart.com’s Money Saving Moms! My profile and links will be up on Walmart.com in the next week or so, but the work has already started! 
I’m going to be  making videos and showing my readers more and more ways to budget better, and make more informed choices when they shop! I’ll still be doing reviews, and giving away a lot of really cool things. 

Be sure to check out ElevenMoms, and see some of the other moms that I get the honor and privilege of working with!

So I got myself a little job… as a Virtual Assistant… I am so excited! It’s kinda cool how it happened.. 

Back in July, I applied for a position with one place, a big name in the Ruby/Rails Programming Community, that I found out about via their blog. I sent in my resume, and later found out that someone else had been hired… No big deal… I was a little disappointed, but I knew that it just wasn’t the right time for me to get a job.

Fast forward to a week ago, and I get an email from another person, who is also a big name in the Ruby Programming community.. He told me that he was looking for a Virtual Assistant, and that the first person had referred him to me… WHAT?? He remembered me??? Holy cow!! This is too cool!!! 

So, we talked back and forth via email, and agreed on a wage, and signed a contract.. and now.. it’s official! I am a Work At Home Mom!!! I love that I can do the work while never leaving the girls! 

Don’t worry.. I’ll still be able to post here and on Mommy Brain Reports!!! Ok.. now I have some work to do!!! Later!

A good friend and I have been playing schedule tag for almost 2 months now. We’ve been dying to get out and get a pedicure. Goodness knows I needed one! My poor heels were cracking! After weeks of research, and attempting to get an appointment for both of us at any single place, we finally went to a place in Natomas called Top Coat Nails, over by Sam’s Club. It wasn’t bad! I wish they would’ve worked on my heels a little more, but it’ll do. They had some super cool chairs that had the built in shiatsu type massagers in it. It was super comfy!

Anyway.. We had a good time just sitting and chatting and talking about things other than drool, diapers, and tantrums. I needed that. I’m not saying that we didn’t talk about that at all. We did. We just were able to get away from those topics, uninterrupted by children. Ahhhh relaxation. 

The prices were fairly reasonable, but a little misleading. Their website stated that the pedicure we chose was $35, but then they charged us $40 because their particular location had  VIP lounge. We didn’t use the VIP lounge, which was just 2 chairs set off to the side and they could close a curtain off so you didn’t have to see the rest of the room. Nothing too fancy.. I still don’t exactly understand that reasoning behind the price difference, but, I think next time I’ll go to the location that doesn’t have their VIP lounge. If it saves me money, I’m all for it. 

We left there fairly happy with our service, and hopefully we’ll be able to meet up like this at least once every couple of months.. I know it’s going to be hard, but I think we can do it… 

When I got home, the girls were awake and so happy to see me. I was happy to see them too. I loved getting hugs and kisses when I walked into the house. 

I don’t remember who said it, but I can truly understand how taking time away for yourself helps make you a better mommy. It’s hard to get away, and I miss them like crazy while I’m gone, but when I get home and they run up to me to give me a huge hug, and I hear them yell “MOMMY!!! YOU’RE HOME!!!” I just melt…