Losing My Religion…
*** This post was originally written in March of 2011. It’s been sitting in my drafts as I decided just how personal to get… I’m publishing it only because I’m sure there are others who feel similarly. I’d love to discuss with anyone… and now… on with the post…
If the title of this post is making you think that you may hate me after reading it… then don’t. I highly suggest closing your browser and checking out the cool reviews on Mommy Brain Reports… and coming back in another month or so… this is a long one.. You have been warned…
I remember that song from REM way back in the day… Sometime the words can be so fitting for how I feel in life. Is this a call out for help? Not so much, and a way to get some questions I have out in the open, and invite true and logical answers… I’m not looking for anyone to criticize me, or my thoughts.. altho I’m sure that will happen.. Go ahead.. Leave your thoughts in the comments…
So, my deal is this… Why am I still Catholic? Why am I not Lutheran, or Baptist, or Whatever? Why must I go to a certain building to worship God. Why is the Catholic Church, the Church I grew up in, and believed everything that was put in front of me… so … hard to leave?
Let’s start there. I’ll start with what I know. I was baptized Catholic when I was a little baby. I wasn’t given the choice, it was made for me. No biggie. I grew up and went to Catholic school, learned the Catholic prayers, and read Catholic scripture… I went to church every week, without question. I got married in the Catholic church, and baptized my babies Catholic… only for the cycle to start all over again. Sorta.. Is my hubby Catholic? No. He’s Lutheran… but it’s close enough… LOL. Maybe if I would’ve married a Catholic guy I wouldn’t have these issues… but I didn’t fall in love with his religion, I fell in love with him… so pttthhht.
So, anyway. Back to Catholic stuff. Like I said, I was born into a Catholic family, and thus baptized and raised Catholic. Sure. I still go to Catholic Mass once in a while, but I don’t feel at home there. I have the prayers and songs more than memorized, but it’s like I’m reciting something… lines from a play or something. I’m just not feeling it anymore. I guess the question is.. Did I really ever? Seriously?
Ok.. moving on… Buildings.. Why is it that when you go to church, there is so much shiny stuff decorating the place? Why do people think that the shinier and more golden the place is, the better it is for the people? Um, No. That money we donate to the Church.. Sure I guess you use it to pay your bills, but why waste it on such elaborate decorations. Did anyone see Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom??? The Holy Grail was NOT the one adorned in jewels, but the cup of a carpenter..
Moving on… Why do I believe what I believe, and why am I so scared to leave my religion? I believe what I believe because it’s all that I know. I’ve only ever experienced a different church a handful of times, and each time it was “weird” for me. Not in a bad way.. just that it was different than what I was used to. The Stand up, sit down, readings, stand up, sit down, kneel, prayers, sit down, stand up, over, etc of the Catholic Mass makes any other service seem strange to me. Don’t tell me that things that are out of the norm are not strange to you. If the prayers and songs are different, than I’m totally out of my element. I’m grateful that hubby’s Lutheran church is very similar, and I don’t feel weird when I go there. Something else I noticed… I went to both the Lutheran church and the Catholic church… and had two extremely different experiences. We went to the Catholic church and everyone pretty much kept to themselves. No eye contact, no smiles, not a Hello or Welcome… We even went to the meet & greet afterwards and were completely ignored. People kept to their own groups, and it was just… well.. snobbish.. but we’ve continued to go there because the girls like their little class they get to go to during the first part of mass. We went to the Lutheran church and we couldn’t go a few steps without people saying Hi, and shaking hands, and commenting on the girls, and… well.. Welcoming us… Why haven’t we gone back more often? I don’t know.
The girls are getting to the age where they are asking a lot of questions about God, and Jesus, and religion. We take them to church whenever they ask to go, but, in all honesty, I feel like they’d get more out of a bible and me and daddy explaining things to them than they would sitting in a chair in a church for an hour. I don’t know.. I hate that I feel this way.. that I don’t feel at home in my own church.. I would love to find a place that I wanted to go to.. every Sunday, but I haven’t yet. Would I leave the Catholic Church? I don’t know. My girls are baptized Catholic, (yes the cycle has already started again) and I want them to learn more about it… but I’m not sure if I should remain there, or let them explore various churches and religions… Would it confuse the hell out of them? I don’t know. After all, aren’t we all Christian, and believe in the same God???
OK.. I think I’m done venting. For now. Please don’t judge. Please don’t hate me… I’m struggling… I love God, and I love that I have Faith… I just need to find a place I’m comfortable with… Thanks for listening.
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I applaud you looking at your feelings. You’re at a crossroads. Crossroads are okay. I am not Catholic but have definitely appreciating facets of the religion and my dear Catholic friends have been a great support in my life journey. If you are so inclined I would definitely encourage you to try out your options. There are lots of beautiful people and places to worship — beautiful as in welcoming, warm & lovely vs. ornate & expensive.
I think it would be a grand adventure for your girls and would teach them a beautiful life lesson in seeking out the beautiful things in life that make you feel whole. I attend church every week and am very happy with it. Visitors are always welcome, as are new members of the congregation. Best wishes in your journey. Don’t feel alone in this, there are lots of people who feel a similiar restlessness.
Oh, one thing. The things that brings the most beauty to any religious practice, I think, is serving others. In any religion there are opportunities to care for and serve others – to really be involved. That is how I and many people I know have found a profound love for our religious worship. I feel that getting involved in service seems to make a world of difference in one’s sense of connection to and understanding of the beliefs. This is all just my two sense. Best wishes!
Hi Monica,
First of all, I think its honorable that you care enough to seek truth and make steps to deepen your faith and those of your children. That is more than many people are willing to do!
I am glad I stopped by today….just saw your tweet. I am Catholic, and like you have been since I was a baby. I was lucky though because my parents, peers, and teachers, have all brought me to come to know and love this faith. I am not going to tell you why and try to force an opinion on you, but I do ask you to consider looking into the history of the church, and why it is a treasure. This is a book that really helped simplify,explain, and make it come alive for me- “Rome Sweet Home” which can be found here:
http://www.scotthahn.com/scott-hahn-books.html
He explains why he actually converted to the Catholic Faith….all through his own research.
I agree with you though….so many Catholics don’t have the joy they should have, or the enthusiasm some of my Christian friends have. I am hoping that changes! It starts with me, so I myself am trying.
Whatever you decide to do, I hope you find peace. You are awesome for being so open!
<3
Anna
Monica, I’m sure there are many moms who have had very similar feelings and thoughts, regardless of the church they belong to or grew up in. I wasn’t raised in the Catholic church but my father was. His family left when my grandparents divorced when he was in high school. After that, he never attended church regularly. When my parents divorced, we attended Methodist churches for awhile and eventually ended up in Baptist churches. I’ve always wondered what it would have been like had I been raised as a Catholic. How my beliefs or views might be different than they are now or would they? I’ve attended a Catholic mass and a couple of Catholic weddings with family members who converted to Catholicism. It was beautiful and I loved how reverent it was, but to me, if felt too ritualistic. I’m not putting it down at all, it was just not what I’m used to and it felt like it wasn’t for me. I’ve attended quite a few different denominations but have mostly been in Baptist churches and my kids have been raised in a Baptist church and in a Covenant church, which was very similar to Baptist. However, I’ve had the same questions about what is best for our family and which church is the right one for us. In the end, what I’ve decided and tried to stress to my kids is that it is not about the denomination, or the building, or even “religion” itself. For me, it is all about relationship. If you have a relationship with Jesus Christ then it doesn’t matter as much if you are Catholic, Baptist, Methodist, Lutheran, etc. Different denominations may have very different ways of doing things and may disagree on things that are temporal, but as long as we agree on the eternal things, that is what matters most.
It saddens me when other believers put someone down for questioning, searching for answers, or choosing something other than they would choose. Some Christians can be very judgmental and that is not what Christ taught at all.
You are seeking for what will bring you closest in your relationship with Him and what will be best for your children and God will honor that and bless you for it, whether you stay in the Catholic church or choose another path. Praying for you and your family, Monica, and praying God will guide and bless you as you seek for the best for your family.
Hey there,
Loved this post! I think it important that everyone at some point in their life explore why they are a part of a specific denomination and try to find where they best fit. I grew up Baptist and my husband Lutheran. Neither of us really “gained” much in the process, other than learning pointless rules that led no one closer to God. It wasn’t until we went looking for more and searching for God that we found where we belonged. We have chosen to step away from denomination and chose a church that is focused on God, the bible, relationship with Jesus, and serving in the community. By the way, it has some rockin’ praise and worship music. My husband and I have always been extremely musical and this was our door(so to speak) into a deeper relationship with God. I have been through a lot in my life and needless to say I never would have made it without God’s mercy, grace, and the education that I have received to trust in and have faith in God through it all. I choose relationship over religion any day!! I’d love to share it with you!
Hello Monica,
I think it IS good to question why you are one particular religion as opposed to another one. We are supposed to have a reason for what we believe. Remember in your searching that it’s not about what you ‘feel’ but about what is true. Plain and simple- the Catholics and Protestants CAN’T both be right. They’re too different. I urge you to, as you explain things to your daughters, look into why the Catholic church is so appealing. What church Jesus left with the apostles and what church has apostolic successors, has no human founder, and believes that Jesus is in the Eucharist (I am the bread of life. Whoever eats this bread will live forever…). I would urge you to look into Scott Hahn as the above comment said and also into a group call Catholic Answers. They put out a wonderful pamphlet called ‘Pillar of Fire, Pillar of Truth.’ I myself was raised Catholic and I remain Catholic and always will because it makes sense- logic is a beautiful thing. The Bible says you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free. I’ll say some prayers for your spiritual journey.